tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 17, 2016 11:30pm-12:33am EDT
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>> stephen: all right, time for another show. senator sanders! wait a second. you were my guest on last night's show. >> the struggle for justice continues. i still have a path to being on tonight's show. >> stephen: sir, i'm like-- i' that's-- that is just not going to happen. >> too late. here i am. ( laughter ) >> tonight, stephen welcomes kevin hart. taylor schilling. and rupaul charles. featuring jon batiste and stay human.
know what you call that? you know what you call that? you know what you call those people? that is a friday night audience right there. ( cheers and applause ) no doubt about it. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: yeah. which it definitely is. this is definitely friday and i'll prove it because look right here. i've got thursday's paper. and i bought it yesterday. you do the math, okay. hey, have you seen this, speaking of headlines. burger king unveiled a new menu item. it's called mac 'n cheetos. and it's mac and cheese covered in cheeto dust and deep fried. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. i would give anything for that not to sound fantastic to me. because it's good. the fry at the end there gets you. that fry just pulls you in at the last minute. this... food?
scientific engineering, that if you listen carefully you can hear individual macaronis whispering "kill me." "kill me." but remember, the mac 'n cheetos are available for a limited time only. and if you eat them, so are you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) they'll last forever. they'll be here. a single serving of that will be here long after we're all gone. forever, there's big news in archaeology. researchers have just found that the great pyramid of giza is slightly lopsided, with the west side measuring about 5.5 inches longer than the east side. now, for thousands of years, we have marveled at the ability of ancient people to build an incredible monument with such precision. so i just want to say... in your face, ancient egypt! your so-called great pyramid is
i guess it's true what they say about ancient hebrew slave labor-- you get what you pay for! >> jon: oh, oh! >> stephen: sorry, no. shoddy workmanship. meanwhile, here in new york, it's pride weekend. ( applause ) that's the pride. that's the pride. it kicked off tonight with a huge rally, which according to the website,ea performance by "bob the drag queen." ( cheers and applause ) some fans here. i'm so glad bob the builder is finally living his truth. bob the drag queen. can we work it? of course, the main event is the pride parade. it's a special day where the l.g.b.t.q. community takes to the streets to show the doubters that they can snarl traffic just
to take a moment to salute a local hero, a queens resident, named nelson hidalgo. last saturday, hidalgo was arrested for a disturbance. and not the kind you usually hear about in queens-- a pigeon fighting over an old lady with a calzone. i'm sorry that should have been a pigeon fighting over a calzone with an old lady. >> jon: reverse! reverse! reverse! >> stephen: it's friday. no, nelson hidalgo was arrested for blasting music from his van, which has 80 speakers in it. which explains his bumper sticker, "if this van's a- rockin', don't come a- knockin'... because no one will be able to hear you over the speakers." now, hidalgo evidently cranked it up and ripped off the knob,
police were bombarded by noise complaints including one that "came from the bullpen at citi field where the mets were taking on the braves." the coach was even overheard saying, "who's on first? no, really, who? i can't hear you over the damn music!" even more impressive, when hidalgo was arrested, he was "sitting in the passenger seat with a coors light." ( cheers and applause ) "what seems to be the problem, officer buzzkill? is there some kind of law against having a good time? there is? it's called an open container law? i'll drink to that." ( laughter ) then-- put that down over there. then he told the arresting officer, "i know it's illegal, but it's the weekend." ( cheers and applause )
when they let all the prisoners out of jail and say, "see you monday!" now, i really would liked to have met hidalgo in person. and i used all of the cbs resources at my disposal to try and get nelson hidalgo on the show tonight, and i'm not kidding. we cannot locate the guy. we even tried stepping outside and just listening. nothing. so let me address him directly right over the television. nelson, don't let johnny law because no matter how many speakers are on your party van, you're still not the loudest person from queens. ( cheers and applause ) yeah! hey now, say hello to our friend jon batiste and stay human, everybody.
? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: before we go any further, there is something i need to address. like most shows, we here at the "late show" use closed it's a great way to help our hearing impaired viewers, or our viewers at the gym, or anyone who has to watch the show on mute because my voice is too damn seductive. "come with me to the chamber of pleasure. ( cheers and applause ) let's go down." and, apparently, there was a
captioning during my interview with our friend michael ian black last week. he had just bought a hot tub and i was asking him about it. jim? >> stephen: the other big news on you, and tell me if this is true, you bough a hot tub. >> hell, yeah, i bought a hot tub! >> stephen: okay, seems like a simple conversation, no problem there. but this is what cbs broadcast on closed caption. i bought a hot harriet tubman. ( laughter ) ( applause) this is problematic for so many reasons. i mean, for one, "hot harriet tubman?" that's-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's redundant. let's go down. ( laughter )
on michael ian black's behalf that he did not "purchase a hot harriet tubman." and also-- as it was captioned just moments later-- he does not "spend most of his time in the hot harriet tubman." ( laughter ) ( applause ) by the way. not true. it's not true! he didn't say it. it was closed captioned. by the way, i'm officially turning down michael's invitation to join him in his hot harriet tubman. i'm flattered. it's just not my scene. would like to apologize to my hearing impaired viewers. i'm sorry that the closed caption during my interview with michael ian black were mistranscribed. i also want to apologize to harriet tubman, who helped free over 300 people, truly a great emancipator. and i hope we can put this unfortunate incident behind us. now, stick around, we've got kevin hart after the break.
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we got your friend. advantage me. ha-ha! uh-oh. just ignore what just happened. okay? a-ha-ha. yes! >> stephen: please welcome, kevin hart! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> hello! hello! hello! it's amazing, isn't it? good for you. >> stephen: people very excited about kevin hart. >> oh, stop it! stop that! >> stephen: wait a second. that's an amazing response, but you must be used to that because you're one of the few comedians in the world, you sell out huge arenas. like the o2 arena in london, madison square garden.
lincoln financial, where you're from. >> we did 53,000 people. i'm what do you call it, a big deal. yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's nice. how do you play-- how do you play a joke to 53,000 people? how do you, like, hold a room like that, man? >> well, i think i pride myself on making those rooms intimate rooms. i'm a storyteller, so when you tell a story the beauty of doing it with an amazing audience every word until the punchline comes. i paint pictures but they're realistic pictures. at the end of the day, you can put yourself in my shoes and you can see yourself in my stories because my stories are relatable. i don't separate myself. >> stephen: it's good to know why people love you. i wouldn't want it to be a mystery. >> no, you have to make sure you never lose sight of reality, and
you have you have to maintain that connection with the fans. >> stephen: you really think you can hold on to reality? you're so huge. you hit 30 million people on twitter today. >> i did! everybody danced around the world. i tweeted, "dance." "i just hit 30 million. i want everybody to dance." and i really believe everybody danced. >> stephen: all right, all right. you've got so many other things going. you have two movies out right now at the same time. you have "the secret life of pets." you've got "central intelligence" with dwayne man. >> stephen: "secret life of pets" you play kind of a militant-- >> white bunny. >> stephen: white bunny. okay. i do not think of you as a militant white bunny. >> first of all, i took it because i wanted to play somebody white. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you know, i jumped at the opportunity. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> i said i'm not going to get this opportunity a lot. i said i'll take it. it's a bunny. it don't matter.
and then, when they told me he's militant, the whole thing with the bunny is he is starting a revolution. this guy is in charge of taking this group of pets and turning them against humans. and i was like, that's me. i do that all the time. i brought my characteristic traits to the bunny. and they loved it. they allowed me to improv and play around as much as possible. it came out good. >> stephen: do you have pets of your own? >> i do have pets. i have two dogs. >> stephen: do you think when you're not around they're doing the kinds of things these animals are doing? i have a doberman pincher. and a min-pin. >> stephen: what's a minpin? >> a minpin is a small version of what the big dog is. >> stephen: oh, minipincher. >> i did it as a joke. i bought it as a joke. when people come to my house, they say, oh wow, look at the big doberman! he's got a little one, too! >> stephen: do people do that? >> no. nobody has done it, and it has pissed me off. it's made me feel like the little one was a waste of money. nobody gets it.
there is to be a punchline. >> stephen: i hope that dog is not watching right now. it would be really depressing to find out you were just there for a punchline. >> that dog was doing stuff when i was gone. that dog cooked potato salad one day, i know he did. listen, i don't know how to make potato salad, and my lady can't cook. i came home, potato salad was on the table. who cooked the potato salad? had to be the dog. >> stephen: that's logical. 100% pure logic. >> that's my dogs though, i love i have become a dog guy. my fiance has turned me into a dog guy. i wasn't, i can admit it. i was against pets. but see, that's what women do. >> stephen: were you against all pets? >> i was against ( bleep ) that could mess my house up. i didn't want nothing that could mess my house up. >> stephen: how did she turn you into a dog person? >> it's what women do, man. they make you do what you don't want to do. that's what women do. ( cheers and applause ) that's a talent that women have. they beat you down. i don't know how she did it. i think she asked me for two
and one day i might have been drunk and i was like, "all right." and the next thing i know, we get these dogs. and now the dogs sleep in the bed. i have no say-so in it. my doberman, i woke up, this dog's respect level is so low. her face is on my face. and i'm like, "what are you doing?" and she's going ( growling ). >> stephen: you're talking about the dogs still, right? you crossed over between making you do things you don't want to do. >> my lady lets ap i don't even have control over my bed anymore. i come there, and the dogs are in the bed. i have to find a position to sleep in. and he looks for the comfort spot. and i'm like, that's me. excuse me i don't want to wake anybody up. >> stephen: how about i sleep across the bottom of the bed right here? >> i take this nook version of the bed that's left for me. i don't explain about it. >> stephen: you also have other projects going at the same time. i don't know how you even have time to be here right now because you've also got a
you're writing a memoir that comes out in 2017, next year. >> i'm going to be honest with you. i don't even know what day it is. right now, i'm sleeping. this is how i sleep. >> stephen: it's friday, it's friday. >> it's friday here but i got to be someplace else tomorrow. i don't know what day it's going to be there. i have to be out of the country. honestly, i'm working a lot, man. i love the load that i have. you know, it is a lot, and i put a lot on my plate but at the end of the day god doesn't give you anything you can't handle. not only handle these things but i'm doing it at the highest of my potential. i'm not only handling it but i'm in love with it. i'm in love with my craft. i'm in love with the fact that i'm succeeding. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's fantastic. >> i'm happy, i'm happy. >> stephen: that's a great feeling. >> that's an amazing feeling. >> stephen: can you hang on, and we'll talk a little bit more? >> what if i said no? >> stephen: you know what i would do? we would come back and i would weep into the camera for about
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. we're here with our friend kevin hart. kevin, as we were saying before the break, 2016 has been an enormous year for you. >> yes. >> stephen: four big movies this year. now, central intelligence and secret life of pets, right? so like, do you even know what you're here promoting right now? >> i have a pretty good idea. >> stephen: it's a kevin hart project. >> it's a kevin hart project, i know i'm in it. the toughest thing when going to the movies is making a choice of which movie of myself that i
that's the toughest thing, but i go to the movies and i'm like i want to see me but which version of me? do i want to me as the white guy? that's what i call the bunny. or do i want to see me in "central intelligence?" and sometimes i say forget it and i see both, repeating myself over and over again. >> stephen: well, i want to make sure that 2017 is just as big for kevin hart as 2016 was. that you have a full roster of blockbusters coming, so, we'd like to do something right now. 'r >> i like it. >> right here, right now. >> stephen: this is the "late show"'s "maybe coming soon." >> i like it. >> stephen: so i want to be clear, we have a series of projects i'd like to pitch to you right now. that i think would be great are you. they don't exist yet but we already made the poster for the movie because they say when you think of the movie, think of the
>> stephen: here's the first one, okay hollywood, i hope you're listening because these projects already have kevin hart attached to them. are you on board? >> i'm on board. i like it, i like the way you think. >> stephen: okay, i'm very excited about this new movie of yours, this first one coming up it's called "ultrasound," tag line is "nap time is over." you play a rock 'n' roll baby. tell me what's exciting you >> first of all, the fact that i'm strong enough to hold a guitar at that age. that's exciting. another thing, i'm big on being a sex symbol, as a baby, exposing your chest and having females following you. >> stephen: leaves very little to the imagination here. you're a child prodigy, it turns out in this movie, who is actually already playing the guitar in the womb. >> wow. >> stephen: that's the opening scene and an extremely painful birth because you bring the stratocaster with you.
>> i'm on board with that. >> stephen: this next one is exciting. this one's slightly more dramatic. you're going to play the lead in a new period epic-- i hope, if we can get this going-- it's called "dog titanic," the tag line is "the titanic- this time with dogs." you're playing the leo part right here, and it's mutts who fall in love with purebreds in first class. >> why do i look like i'm scared ( bleep ) of the dogs? >> stephen: because there is no place to take them for a walk. they're all down in steerage. >> i like that. >> stephen: you like this one? >> stephen: they just pee on the iceberg and it melts and it doesn't go down. ( cheers and applause ) you like this?
>> stephen: this one i'm particularly excited about. this one is called "kevin's heart." it's the heart wants what it wants. it's about a man whose heart leaves it because he's gotten too many broken hearts, and then he chases the heart for the rest of the movie until he finds out at the end that his heart was in his chest the whole time. >> wait a minute, so this is a drama? >> stephen: oh, yeah, this is a relationship movie. demographic i'm looking for. any movie that i can do to show what i'm like without a heart is a strong movie to me. my question is when my heart leaves my body and i find out that my heart is almost like a little person, does that affect me, knowing i was an alien this whole time, or am i okay with this? that's the thing with my character. where do i go from here? because i'm heartless. which means this is a villain side to this and i get to
point in time. >> stephen: this is why this is a perfect project for you. >> you see where i go, man. >> stephen: this is where you get to use your acting chops. it's you and keira knightley. it's called "the embers of autumn." and look at the chemistry. look at the chemistry between the two of you. >> you know what? being that i'm engaged any time you get to work with a beautiful woman that's called legal cheating so i'll take it. i'll take it right there. >> stephen: that is actually that's the sequel to "embers of autumn." "legal cheating." this time-- "embers of autumn, two, legal cheating. this time they do it." and it, this one i'm very excited about. this is and you me together. i hope we can do a project together because i'm such a fan.
friends." friends." assignment world cup and i don't have to tell you, you and i already know what this one is about. it's in the title. >> look at the tattoos. it's a heart. >> stephen: one says "best," and the other one says "friends." because we were separated as children. we were best friends as kids growing up next to each other, put we got separated and sent to different countries. each became secret agents, disguised as teachers in our local communities, who meet when we're sent to the world cup and we realize we've always known each other. ( laughter ) so you're on board. you're in. you're in. >> i love it. i love it. >> stephen: and the tag line's the best, "friendship is their only gooooal." kevin, i'm so excited we're going to be doing these together.
>> stephen: "the secret life of pets" is in theaters friday, july 8. kevin hart, everybody! we'll be right back with taylor schilling. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? clarence! hey, you're yes, sir. you know, at the model year end clarence event, you can get a great deal on this 2016 passat. steve. yeah? clarence is on a roll. yeah. i wish they'd name an event after me. same here. but the model year end becky event? stevent! that's just vandalism. whatever you want to call it, don't miss the volkswagen model year end event. hurry in for a one-thousand dollar volkswagen reward card and 0% apr on a new 2016 passat. and here we have 1893, from the makers of pepsi cola. i'm gonna swirl it. i'm gonna smell it.
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z22rnz zy6z y22rny yy6y cooper: governor mccrory wants you to believe there's a carolina comeback. but raise your hand if your taxes have gone up while those at the top are the ones getting the tax break. and raise your hand if you're working more for less. i'm roy cooper, and that's not a comeback. that's moving backwards. raise your hand if you agree that those at the top should pay their fair share. raise your hand if you agree that tax breaks should be going to the middle class. and raise your hand if you agree
z22rvz zy6z y22rvy yy6y ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome , welcome back. my next guest tonight-- my next guest is america's favorite upper-middle-class white prison inmate in "orange is the new black." please welcome taylor schilling, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> hello.
>> hello again. it's so nice to be here. >> stephen: i'm never not going to hold the hand of a pretty woman. i never know whether to help the ladies up the stairs sometimes. >> i actually needed a second to think if i needed help or not, and i looked down and thought i'm going to hold his hand. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. i was thinking that before i saw the shoes. >> i was thinking that from back i thought we were going to do the interview from the alleyway. >> stephen: that would be fun. from a distance. i could just shout the questions from back there. a certain energy and freshness. >> a certain energy and freshness. it does have a certain freshness. it would be a nice angle, a nice angle. >> stephen: exactly. did you see that interview where they were shouting last night? congratulations on the new season of "orange is the new black." ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: like, this show is like a cultural milestone in many ways, not only the content, not only its successful, but also because this is the show, like, that started all the binge watching. >> it did start all the binge watching. and what i think is so funny hearing about binge watching is, when i started this show, i thought-- i wasn't sure if it was, like, a web series. at was. >> stephen: it kind of is. >> it kind of is a web series, because it's only internet-- >> stephen: they said, hey, it's not going to be on tv. >> you're going to do it on the internet. >> stephen: it's like local theater but more people see it. >> when we first did it in the first round, you do media training when you start-- when you watch something and people tell you sort of what to say-- >> really? >> i don't usually listen. >> stephen: you don't listen to the media trainers?
but what they were telling us is not to use the word "binge." >> stephen: they anticipated-- >> no, that was absolutely inappropriate, and totally verboten. what you're supposed to say is the show is dropping. now it's a part of the lexicon that, we're all binging on tv. >> stephen: sure. >> initially when i was making a web series-- ( laughter ) black box for more people. >> stephen: wow. >> and now you're using it. >> stephen: everybody uses the word. even things on broadcast, you let them stack up and binge them at the end of the week. >> there was one party where netflix gave out tupperware so people could take more food home and binge on food while they were binging on tv. they really switched. they did a 180. >> stephen: why shouldn't-- why shouldn't we consume everything the way we do food? >> exactly.
>> you were talking about mac and cheese earlier. >> stephen: i would eat that in a minute. >> would you? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> all of it? >> stephen: maybe last meal. hey, have you actually-- because you play a prisoner, have you gone to prison to see what the experience is like. because it's opened the eyes for a lot of people of what a prison experience is like, especially for women. >> it absolutely has. >> stephen: have you done whatever the equivalent of a ride-along is for a prison? >> i have. before the second season of the show, i spent some time at rikers-- >> stephen: that's a prison. >> it is. piper chapman is based on piper kerrman, was really instrumental in teaching me about the prison system and teaching me about her experience. what that sort of moved from is being in the prison, spending
piper is on the board of. and they do incredible work. >> stephen: would you want to hang out with your character? is she the sort of person you would want to spend time with? >> would i want to hang out with piper? >> audience: yeah! >> i think piper-- i would. the thing, i think piper has a hard time hanging out with herself, you know what i mean? >> stephen: yeah. is she getting any better with herself this season? >> she has a lot of work to do, you . do before she wants to-- she wants to hang out with anybody. >> stephen: season four is available for download right now. you can stream it right now. >> as soon as you want. >> stephen: i'll do it right now. >> go watch it right now and eat some food while you're watching. you know what i mean? binge! >> stephen: congratulations on season four. >> thank you. >> stephen: it was really lovely to meet you. >> it was nice to meet you, too. >> stephen: "orange is the new black" is streaming now. taylor schilling, everybody.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody. my next guest is an actor, drag queen, model, author, and recording artist. please welcome rupaul charles. ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: lovely to meet you. thank you so much for being here. ( applause ) out." i love it. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: well, thank you for being here. >> it's a great, great honor to meet you. i love you. >> stephen: i love you, too. listen, i don't need any coffee with that suit on. you got me wide awake right now. >> this old thing. i was going to throw this away before you called, and i thought stephen colbert, yes. >> stephen: solar flare plaid.
people right here for people who may be surprised to see you not at your most fabulous right now. look at that beautiful-- ( applause ) right there. that's extraordinary. now, i've got a question to ask you. when i introduced you, i said among your other things you're known for i said "drag queen." can i, as a white, straight male who lives in the suburbs and drives his volvo to pick up his that okay for me to call you a drag queen? >> it is okay. you can call me-- you can call me regis and kathy lee. i don't care. honestly. >> stephen: i just want to make sure. >> i'm not that kind of a queen. the thing about drag queens is drag queens don't take life too seriously. the idea-- you can call me anything. it's just a name. but you said-- you said "drag queen." i'm not just a drag queen. i am the drag queen.
number one! >> stephen: all right. >> it's true! it's true, though, you know! >> stephen: well, thank you for being here, your majesty. how did you-- as i was saying before, this is pride week. this is gay pride weekend. the pride parade is this weekend. what was your experience like when you were younger? how did you come out to your family? do you mind sharing that story with us? >> i never came out. i was never in. there was no way for me to be in, you know what i mean? i was always ru. >> stephen: is that your real name rupaul? >> that is my real name. my mother was from louisiana. making gumbo, rue is the base. she wanted to pay homage to her background, her heritage. it's my real name.
don't want your real name on public records. so if you're starting in show business, change your name because if you're sitting at the gynecologist's office and all of a sudden, you know, they call your name out, and everybody goes, "she's up here getting her ( bleep ) cleaned." you know, rupaul? rupaul! ( laughter ) ( applause ) what did i say? what-- did i say something-- did i say something wrong? >> stephen: not at all. not at all. not at all. not in the least. >> so change your name. change your name. >> stephen: so is it a mistake for me to be stephen colbert? >> does your gynecologist know? >> stephen: i do not know nearly enough, my friend. i can-- i'll show you. i took a stab at drag once.
this is me right there. what do we think? what do we think? >> look at all that ass! >> stephen: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. it is by the pound, my friend, by the pound. >> you know, you look like selma blair in that picture. >> stephen: what? >> gorgeous. >> stephen: that's quite a compliment. >> do you see selma blair in that picture? >> stephen: i totally see selma blair in that picture. i can tell you a quick story i had this photo and my brother jay showed this to my brother tommy. and he goes, "tommy, check this out." and my brother tommy goes, "how do we know her? how do we know her?" and my brother jay points at me, and tommy looks at this and looks at me and goes, "all right, how does stephen know her?" i was quite complimented. i do pass muster. >> what is her name?
>> that's a good name. she's gorgeous. how differently did it make you feel -- >> it made me feel beautiful. >> i think everybody should do drag. honestly. everybody-- it's not just because i'm, you know, for the-- you know, sort of twisted reasons. it's an important-- it's important to know your yin from your yang. >> stephen: and then occasionally have your yin cleaned out. ( cheers and applause ) not me. i think i got that right. you can tell me about this young man. tell me about this young man right here. this is you at what age? >> 19. i was 19 here. just starting out my career. and, you know, i wanted to do-- it took another 11 years for anything to happen. but i had a good time here in new york, you know, sleeping in the-- you know, in the central
and it took 11 years. and i struggled, struggled, and here i am today on the "stephen colbert show." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tell me about-- you've got another show called "skin wars: fresh paint." where artists paint on people's naked bodies. >> yes. >> stephen: and transform their bodies. i didn't realize there is a whole culture out this of people who did this in competition? >> "skin wars," the first show painters and they compete for $100,000. "skin wars: fresh paint," a spin-off i'm hosting, is other artists from different mediums learn body painting through a bootcamp and compete for $10,000. >> stephen: have you ever had your body painted? >> i have lived in body paint for the last 30 years. if you have ever seen me in drag, it's crazy. it's so much paint. it's an intricate system of